These things always last an hour. So I took the liberty of writing Obama a speech he could read in 5 minutes.
*WARNING – DISCLAIMER – WARNING*
If you either 1) have no sense of humor or 2) are easily offended by a bit of good old-fashioned Obama-bashing smart-assery, then do yourself a favor and don’t read any further.
You have been warned.
*WARNING – DISCLAIMER – WARNING*
Thank you very much, Mr. President and Supreme Leader, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans.
2012 was marked with both tragedy and blessings that have highlighted many areas in which our country needs to address so we can improve and move forward. I have every HOPE that we can bring about this much needed CHANGE.
Since I was first elected in 1ADB (Anno Domini Barack – In the first year of our Lord, Barack Obama) we were faced with a seemingly insurmountable fiscal crisis and budget deficit that I inherited from the notorious George W Bush and Congressional Republicans. Their unwillingness to fund Congressional Democrats’ endless spending with total wealth confiscation of all corporations and individuals making more than $250K a year put this country on the road to financial ruin. In the last 5 years we’ve made leaps and strides to correct this. We’ve quadrupled the Bush-era budget deficits. By running trillion dollar plus budget deficits every year I’ve been in office we’ve actually cut the budget deficit in half, just like I promised during the campaign, during the end of the 2nd age of mankind. Now let me be clear. My trillion dollar deficits have also resulted in a balanced budget that’s helping to put this nation back on the road to prosperity. Join me in celebrating my leadership of humanity into the 3rd age – the Golden Age – of mankind! Yay me!!
*Applause* (stick nose in air and smile smugly)
Despite my progress however, there’s still much left I have to do to ensure a lasting, vibrant economy. The middle class are still suffering. The one single tax break I gave the poor and middle class was only temporary and expired this year. There are still millions of poor and middle class that don’t have a full time job. The only way to accomplish the goal of a stronger middle class and more jobs, is to take a balanced approached to our nation’s tax code. The GDP was only a measly $16 trillion last year. That’s simply not enough money (don’t believe me, look in Michelle’s closet – *wait for laughter to die down). I need more money to fund all the jobs I’ve created for and tax breaks I’ve given to the poor and middle class. The rich are chocking off this nation’s blood supply by refusing to fund the billions I’ve given to the poor and middle class in the form of tax cuts and jobs. So long as the top 25% of Americans can afford to go places and buy things that the bottom 75% can’t, then they won’t be paying their fair share. I fall into that category. My million dollar, tax-funded vacations to Hawaii have highlighted just how evil the rich, white Republicans are. They need to pay just a lil’ bit more – a whole lotta lil’ bit more. The top 25% of wage earners pay 87.3% of all federal income taxes. Even after our punishing, progressive tax code, they can still afford planes and yachts. They clearly aren’t paying their fair share. Let me be clear. I won’t rest until every rich, white, male Republican pays his fair share and even the poorest among us can afford their own vacation home far away from mine in Hawaii. After all, it’s a civil right. Who do those evil, rich, white Republicans think they are to trample the civil rights of poor, working Americans by denying them their own cabin in a segregated part of the country far away from rich Democrats?
*Applause* (smile – pretend to be humble and accept the worship)
To that end, it will be impossible to create the jobs I’ve already created without strong Green Technology companies. Since 2009, I have set aside $80 Billion to invest in green tech. 34 of those companies have filed for bankruptcy and 1900 investigations have been opened. The smashing success of these programs prove that green tech is the way of the future and big oil is a dirty, monster of the past. Currently, there are roughly 7 million people employed by Big Bad Oil and only 1.7 million employed by green companies. Those 7 million jobs need to be eliminated to make way for another million green tech jobs that I will subsidize heavily to ensure their success. Let me be clear – Less is more! Go me!!
*Applause* (shoosh the screams of adoration – woman just fainted)
Now please allow me to shift gears to a more somber note. Fresh on all our minds is the countless loss of life due to gun violence last year. My fellow Americans, let me be clear, this must end. These crimes, perpetrated by law-abiding citizens who break the law cannot continue. Criminals regularly buy stolen guns off the black market where background checks are laughed at, so we need to implement a universal background check to make sure law-abiding citizens are properly scrutinized before being allowed to exercise their 2nd amendment rights. Criminals regularly steal firearms from lawful gun owners, so to stop this at the source, we need to make it increasingly harder for law-abiding citizens to enable these criminals to commit crimes. How do we do this? By making it ever more difficult for law-abiding, able-minded men and women to purchase firearms. By doing this, we deprive the criminal of their supply. Supply and demand, it doesn’t work in economics, but it works with regulating firearms. The end result is clear – violent crime will go down. Violent crime in England went up since their gun ban was put into place. It will go down here as well! The status quo is simply unacceptable. Law-abiding citizens regularly hunt, target shoot, and defend their homes with AR-15s with the standard 30-round magazine. By banning such mechanized weapons of death, the criminals will obey the law and no longer be able to smuggle them into the nation and buy them off the black market to use for evil purposes. During prohibition, no one bought alcohol off the black market. Today no one smokes marijuana or uses other illegal drugs. Why? Because they’re banned and criminals always follow the law if you have just the right number of them. It’s simple math. The Greeks perfected it centuries ago. However, as always, the evil, rich, white Republicans made up myths of mobsters, speakeasies and moonshiners to scare us into allowing the sale of alcohol. The same Republicans make up myths of college potheads toking up on their back porch and of homeless men on bathsalts eating the faces off of other homeless men. We won’t let them fearmonger. They must not be allowed to scare Americans into thinking the Founding Fathers knew what they were talking about when they amended the Constitution to allow for the private ownership of firearms. By restricting the rights of the law-abiding citizen, criminals will stop breaking the law! Three cheers for Barack!!
*Applause* (give Boehner the finger behind back where cameras can’t see)
Finally, our nation desperately needs to fix it’s immigration laws. Too often, law-abiding illegal immigrants are caught at the border and sent back to their home countries. And not often enough, law-breaking legal residents are stranded in their home countries – countries they returned to in order to renew their visas to retain their legal status. They’re stranded because – despite them having a job and a spouse who is a US citizen – our ICE agents arbitrarily refuse to renew their work visas. Those who refuse to obey the law should be given a free pass – a path to citizenship while those who spend the years and the thousands of dollars to comply with our laws should be made to wait longer and pay more.
*Applause* (smile and look smug again – wink suggestively at Michelle, she looks hot in that dress)
My fellow Americans. Let me be clear. I know if we work together and rise up against the evil, rich, white Republicans, we can see the Hope for Change realized and our country restored to greatness. I want all Americans, right where you are, to repeat after me. “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Less is more. Poverty is wealth.”
Give me a B! Give me an A! Give me an R! Give me an A! Give me a C! Give me a K! What’s that spell? BARACK! Yay me!! Thank you to all my fellow Americans, and may God Bless your dear leader, the Lord Barack. And may God bless you all a little bit too…but not too much and not as much as me. Thank you America and have a good night and God bless Me and America!
*Standing ovation* (your subjects love you, bask in the glory of your perceived majesty)